I have been through some trying times with men. I was raised by a man who would consistently belittle me and then my first real relationship out of highschool was with a mirror image of the man who raised me.
So it took me some time to really understand that their words do not define me. I understand that now, but my body doesn’t.
During one bout with counseling the counselor asked me, “Does it feel like an impulse to run away?”
“Yes! I can’t control it! I HAVE to leave, my body tells me to.”
“I got it!” she said. “It’s PTSD. Let me give you some literature.”
PTSD is Post traumatic stress disorder and it happens when you experience an extremely traumatic situation and you don’t heal properly. Somewhere along my life journey I developed it and to this day I can NOT develop a long term relationship with a man.
My body won’t let me.
Let me give you an example.
I met a man a couple of years ago and we were cool as friends. After about a month of talking on the phone and hanging out, something just didn’t feel right. My brain would send me a WARNING saying: Get away from him!
So I would make up some excuse to not speak to him again but after a day of not speaking to him, I’d calm down and call him back again and he’d be right there to talk to me again.
After a couple more months he said to me, “Do you notice that you come up with an excuse to stop speaking to me EVERY SINGLE WEEK.”
I gasped, amazed that he noticed the pattern.
“I’m sorry. I get scared. I’ll try not to do it again,” I promised him.
But I did do it again and again and again and he just got used to it.
I experienced this at work too. It used to happen more in the past than it does now because now I care less about interacting with people but if a man said ANYTHING to me that wasn’t hello or goodbye, I interpreted it as an insult and I would feel this intense heat radiate through my body and my breathing would start being heavier and if he would not stop talking to me or walk away I would immediately start SCREAMING AT HIM and CURSING.
During one such incident where I felt my blood beginning to boil and I was face to face with a man who was teasing me, one of my co workers said to me, “Uh. Oh. Here comes The HULK!”
When I heard him say that, I snapped out of it. It made me laugh at myself and to this day I always remember him saying that and it calms me down immediately.
If a man is around me for too long, I HAVE to push him away. I MUST get him out of my life so that he can’t hurt me. I demonize the man and his intentions, interpreting every gesture or word as an insult and cursing him out. I only feel relief when he leaves and I feel complete relief when he says he never wants to speak to me again.