I Know What Love Is

I Know What Love Is
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OMG! I live by the train tracks and that noise still annoys me. I am so excited about moving away from here and from train tracks. I’ll never have to live in a cheap place by the tracks again!

Today I was sitting here analyzing life as usual. I came into a reflective place of appreciation for all of my relationships. None of them were failures, they just taught me more about myself and now I am grateful for them, for every man and woman who rejected me or hurt me. I’m okay with it all.

You know, I HAVE been loved before.

I always say, “I’ve never been loved” but someone has loved me once.

His name was Lem. I met him when I was in the 10th or 11th grade during a break from my first love. I saw him in the hallway and thought he was kinda cute so I walked by him and touched his arm and smiled before walking away.

I know- PLAYA MOVE! I am such a great flirt!

The next day he found me and came to talk to me. I listened and then the attraction turned off. Ehh. I don’t like him anymore.

He still pursued me. He would invite me to lunch and buy me candy grams and be nice to me but I would ignore him. He graduated and went away to college and would send me letters in the mail (back before email) and I would write him back, just as a friend.

When I went away to college he would come visit me. He was a good friend to me. Whenever I started a new project he would support me by investing in me financially. Even when I would go visit my best friend in Tallahassee at her college he would drive down from Georgia to come see me. I remember him waiting outside a club for hours just to see me in passing.

He loved me.

Even after I had my two sons and was heartbroken because their Dad didn’t want to be with me he still loved me. He called me up one night asking, “Is it okay if move to your city? I’m graduating. I can get a job there. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, let’s just see what happens.”

I was so upset. “WHY are you doing this boy?! You know I don’t like you like that. This is too much! Stop pressuring me!”

Eventually, he let go. He met another young woman who liked him and he fell in love with her. He never allowed me to meet her until their wedding day.

I went to his wedding and he came over to talk to me. “This is my first girlfriend,” he introduced me to his friends. I smiled.

He considers me to be his first love.

“You’ll always have a piece of me,” he told me. “But sometimes you have to realize that you can’t catch a shooting star.”

He loved me.

But back then, I had no clue what real love was.

I thought love meant yearning for affection and support. I thought love meant conquering a man’s heart. I thought love meant not meeting your partner’s expectations and striving for it every day.

That’s what I had in all of my relationships, including my last one, 9 years ago.


That wasn’t love.

But now that I can fully appreciate what love is, I’ll be on the look out for it. I know what it is.

I’m watching and waiting and hopefully, I’ll be able to accept it when it appears.

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